


Criminal Parenting

by Bookdancer



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, M/M, protective Gotham crooks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 05:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6501910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookdancer/pseuds/Bookdancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Birds of a Feather

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.

"Br- Batman!" Robin yelled, just barely catching his slip. A slight narrowing of the Batman's eye slits told the nine-year old that they'd be talking later. At the moment, though, Robin was content with swinging through Gotham. "Look!" He chirped. "There's a light in the old Observatory! Can we go look? Please, please, please?"

"I will." Batman growled, stopping Robin from going any further. "You, on the other hand, will be going back home. It's late out and you said you have a science test tomorrow. You need to get your grades up."

"Bu-"

"No buts."

The black-haired boy pouted, but still turned and swung away, soon disappearing from sight. However, once he reached Wayne Tower he made a swift u-turn, going back to the Observatory. He wasn't stupid. He knew what his mentor was thinking. The location screamed 'The Penguin', and it didn't help that a priceless bird statue had gone missing earlier that day. Penguin was lurking about, and Robin was going to get him in a cage.

It only took him about two minutes to reach the Observatory and enter. Batman was engaged in a fist fight on the ground, but Robin knew he'd be fine. Penguin's... whatever they were often provided a good fight, but even together they couldn't best the Batman.

Once inside Robin looked around, his covered eyes widening at the number of cages and birds that were in the building. There were all kinds - big, small, wide, skinny, short, tall, red, blue, yellow, orange, and more - of both birds and cages.

He carefully swung down from the rafters, mindful of the birds and cages. He wanted to prove to Batman that he could take care of himself, not that he was a fool who couldn't even handle a crazy man with a bird obsession.

"Well, well, well, who's this?" Someone asked, and Robin whirled around, birdarangs at the ready, to see a short, squat man standing a few feet away from him. The man had a sharp, long nose, beady eyes, and black hair that was combed over to one side. He was dressed in a suit with coat tails that trailed on the ground behind him. In his hands was an umbrella that he pointed at Robin, who stared at it in surprise. This was not how he expected their meeting to start out. Still, he answered boldly.

"I'm Robin." He replied, standing as tall as he could.

"Ah, the birdboy Joker was telling me about!" Penguin said gleefully, grinning. "I've been meaning to finally meet my cousin!"

"Cousin?" Robin asked, confused.

"Of course! I'm Penguin, you're Robin, we're both named after birds!"

"Oh, um, of course."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Robin, how rude of me. The umbrella is frightening, isn't it? Especially since Batman probably told you all abot its special abilities." He set the umbrella down and then offered Robin a seat at the table he had been sitting at. "Now, while we're waiting for Bats to come and arrest me - cause I know he will, is there anything you need help with? Because I always want to help a fellow bird out."

Robin thought. He did have that science test tomorrow, and Penguin was actually one of the few Gotham villains who was sane, so maybe... He smiled, then began to talk.

* * *

 

Batman was, understandably, more than a little upset that when he finally got into the Observatory, dragging the pink ninja twins behind him, he discovered the Penguin, one of his main adversaries, tutoring his son - who, mind you, was supposed to be at home - in science. Of course, he was grateful for the help - even Alfred hadn't been able to break through Dick's thick skull that when they made clay in class Clayface would not magically appear.

And Bruce was even more grateful when Dick got a 96 on the test - it seemed he'd done especially well on a bird's bone structure, but this was Penguin they were talking about! It wasn't like he could hire him to teach his son science!

Still, though, from that moment on, every night before a science test - minor or major, a certain bird would visit his flightless companion, whether in the middle of a heist or in Arkham Asylum.


	2. Girl Problems with Ivy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 14.

"-and so now she won't even look at me!" Robin ranted. "Aqualad told me he'd tell her to get over it or he'd ask for her to be removed from the team, but we all know he won't actually do it!" He let out a groan and flopped backwards over the couch arm. Then he frowned, sat up, and looked behind him, groaning again when he realized that he had, in fact, just collapsed on Ivy's plants. "Why do you keep these everywhere?"

"I'm Poison Ivy." Said person said, snorting. "What did you expect?"

"Oh, I dunno, maybe for you to keep your plants in pots on the ground like normal people do?!" Robin's voice kept raising until he full out shouting. Ivy stared at him, stunned into silence. Out of the five years she had known the teen, he had never lost his temper like this. Robin sighed. "I'm sorry, Ivy. I'm just kind of upset. I thought she was the one."

Ivy gazed at the upset teenager and then leaned in, giving him a hug. "It's alright, Robbie." She said, using the villains' old name for Robin. "I understand. I had guy problems when I was your age."

"Really?"

"Of course!" Ivy replied, her green eyes widening. "Everyone has love problems at some point in their life. I bet even Bats had a special girl while in high school."

"Who was yours? Your guy, I mean." Robin asked, sitting down next to Ivy on the ground, leaning against the green wall. He hesitated a split second before curling into her side, laying his head on her shoulder. The green-skinned woman smiled softly at the black-haired boy, running her fingers through his hair in a motherly way.

"Well, I remember a young boy, older than me, but still young at the time." She began, her voice slipping into her story-telling mode, something she'd learned quickly when Robin was nine. "I was a freshman in high school, just like you. He was a junior, and he had the most beautiful orange hair I had ever seen. It wasn't a bright orange, more of a rusty color, and it was short and spiked out over his forehead. He was of medium height, about 5 foot eight, and he was skinny but lean. His face was perfectly sculpted, at least to me, although I'd never gotten close enough to see more than that. I didn't even know his name. He never knew I existed. But I fell in love with him, as soon as I saw him. To me, he was perfect. And two years passed, and soon I was a sophomore soon to be junior, he a senior about to graduate. He did, and I never saw him again. All because I never said anything."

Robin stared up at her, amazed to see her eyes shining with tears as she ended her story. Ivy hugged Robin closer, placing a rare kiss on the top of his head.

"Everyone has love problems, Robin, no matter who they are. Some people's are just worse than others." Ivy stood up, pulling the bird with her. "Robin, you were very brave for speaking up to Zatanna like you did. It's not your fault that she decided to add insult to injury by saying no and ignoring you, it's hers. She didn't realize she was saying no to the most wonderful person in the world. You're special, and I want you to remember that."

* * *

 

Two days later, if Zatanna was discovered in her house wrapped up in vines and flowers, Ivy wasn't saying anything. And she may or may not have had a bundle of petunias and roses stalk the girl everywhere, even in Mount Justice.

And that may have alerted Batman to the fact that Poison Ivy had, once again, escaped Arkham, and promptly put her right back in.

And Ivy may have broken a nail or two attempting to fight off Batman (failing epicly, especially when Robin joined in with his creepy laugh), but it was all worth it.

Every single bit was worth it when she saw Robin's grin back in place where it belonged. (And seeing Batman's face when Robin asked him if he had a high school crush was an added bonus.)


	3. One Joker, Two Jokers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is about ten in this, there's not definite age. He could be nine, ten, or eleven, anywhere around ten really.

It would, Harley Quinn insisted forever after, have started with the Joker's sudden infatuation with cooking. Now, while this wouldn't normally be a problem (despite Joker being... well, the Joker), their favorite bird had found them out yet again while they were still waiting for the police and Batman to discover they were missing from Arkham. How Robin repeatedly discovered they were missing and found their hiding place every single time (for every single criminal who he considered his 'parents') was a mystery, though Robin always claimed he just knew.  _It's a bird thing_ , he would say.  _Birds have this internal GPS that lets them know where they are and how to get home. It's the same thing with me and you._ Penguin would automatically say,  _You and I._ Still, Robin asked in confusion,  _The song?_ And it would repeat every time the question about how Robin knew came up.

Anyway, Robin had, yet again, discovered them. And he decided to have the fabulous idea to make brownies once Joker bragged about his 'cooking skills'. The problem was that the three didn't exactly have any things to make brownies with, and Joker and Robin were quite adamant that they actually did make a batch or two. Of course, it would no doubt end up being more than that, as some would have to stay with Joker and Harley, some would go home with Robin for him to share with Batman and the mysterious 'Agent A', and some would probably end up going to other criminals who thought Robin was the best thing that ever happened to them. And, as that number was surprisingly large, they would need a lot of brownies. Which meant a lot of brownie mix.

And that was, of course, what led Harley to leave Joker and Robin alone as she went to the store to buy the mix, for once without her costume on as she wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Joker and Robin alone was never a good mix, and the sooner there was a mediator between the two the better.

And, while Harley was gone, trouble was bound to leave her... and find the two closest people in Harley's life.

The two did manage to stay out of trouble for the first ten or so minutes Harley was gone, which was quite the achievement when you really think about it, but as soon as those ten minutes were gone, Joker had to intervene. It was way to quiet and unexciting ("Citing," Robin corrected.) for the clown, and he had to do something about it.

"How about you and I get ahead on the baking, hmm, Birdboy?" The Joker asked anxiously. "We could even surprise Harley with a treat!"

"Well, Harley did tell us she may take awhile..." Robin replied, putting on his thinking face. Said face was, in Harley's opinion, one of the cutest faces the boy could make. He pouted a little, as if he couldn't stand not knowing what he was attempting to figure out, drew his eyebrows together, and, to complete the picture, his tongue poked through his pouting lips just a little bit, turning the picture from mad and pouting boy to adorable, thinking boy.

Joker nodded, his white face scrunching up as he did his best to remember what Harley had actually told them. There was the no jumping on the furniture (the last time they did that they ended up breaking Harley's best china set), no playing with dangerous weapons inside the warehouse (the last time that happened they accidentally broke the lights and not only did Joker and Harley get found out and sent back to Arkham, but they also had to pay for the lights), and... something else... something important. Something Harley didn't want them doing at all until she was there to supervise them. But, for the life of him, Joker couldn't remember just what she had said. And apparently neither could Robin.

"But, J, how are we supposed to be bake if we don't have any supplies?" Robin realized, suddenly remembering the very reason Harley was gone and they weren't baking at the moment.

"Nuh uh, Robbie, we don't have any brownie mix. But who said anything about brownies?" Joker asked gleefully, bounding to their 'kitchen' and pulling out a bunch of ingredients.

Robin watched, wide eyed on top of the counter, as the green-haired man pulled out pie crust, cherries, Hershey bars, green grapes, Asian pear, purple grapes, and more. Soon at least a dozen ingredients were seated on the counter top next to Robin, who had moved to the very edge to avoid the food.

"See, Robin, we're gonna make a pie for Harley!" Joker cried in happiness.

Robin observed the items they were going to be using in doubt. "Doesn't look like any pie I know how to make."

"Of course not!" Joker said. "No one but me knows the recipe! ... No, I take that back. Not even I know the recipe! We make it up as we go!"

And that was why, when Harley came to the warehouse, she came into what appeared to be a warzone. Food was scattered throughout the kitchen, even on the ceiling, and it looked as if the Joker and Robin had been right in the middle of it all, as they were covered in even more food. They were staring into the oven, watching something bake.

"What is going on here?!" Harley cried, racing over with bags in hand. "Puddin', what've you done?"

_Oh._  Joker couldn't help but think.  _That's right. We weren't supposed to bake until Harley was back._  Right at that moment the timer went off, and Joker and Robin's eyes went from Harley to the oven door and back to Harley again. The woman looked right back at them, eyes holding a fire neither had seen before. Unfortunately for them, they would be seeing it more than they would have liked later as time and years went by, but at the moment they didn't know what to think.

"Open it." Harley practically growled, her hyenas slinking into the room to stand behind her, narrowing their eyes at the guilty looking males.

Joker and Robin turned around quickly, wanting to get out of sight of Harley's glare. At that moment, she could rival Batman in the world's scariest glare. The two yanked open the oven door and pulled out a tiny, deflated pie that, by the burnt crust, had been in the oven for far too long. It also looked as if far less ingredients made into the pie than onto the previously clean kitchen and males. Said males stared gloomily at the pie. As if Harley being mad at them wasn't enough, their pie hadn't even made it out unscathed.

As the two turned back to Harley, pie held in Joker's hands, the depressed looks on both boys' faces made Harley briefly wonder if being mad at them was the right decision.

"Please explain what you thought you were doing." Harley said.

"We- we thought that we could make you a pie." Robin replied, eyes downcast. "It was supposed to be a surprise."

"This was going to be... for me?" The woman asked, eyes widening. She stepped forward, reaching out and taking the pie into her own hands. She steeled herself and grabbed a fork, almost hesitating but the hopeful expressions on her boys' faces made her plunge the fork right in, taking a big bite. She slowly moved the mouthful to her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. It was, surprisingly, pretty good. The fruits gave a good taste, and the burnt crust gave the pie a nice texture. Of course, it would have been better if there was more substance, but for now it was fine. "It's... nice." Harley said eventually, reaching for another bite.

Joker and Robin both looked overjoyed, and Harley couldn't help but smile back. It was a thoughtful gesture, though... messy. Yes, messy was the right word. For now, though, she would just enjoy her family. She could punish them later.

* * *

It was only an hour later that Harley dropped the bomb on the two jokers. They had to clean up the mess they had made. All of it. Not a single drop was to be left on any surface, all of the dishes must be put away, and don't even think about making brownies until the entire kitchen is clean and they had a professional watching them.

Still though, if their brownies were to be as good as their pie, Harley could always open a sweets shop with the Joker and they could have an honest business. She paused in her thinking. ... No, that would never work. He was the Joker, and he had too much fun with Batman and Robin. He would never settle for something as mundane as a sweets shop. Still, with the right bribery...


	4. Freezing Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is ten.

"And don't forget to focus." Batman added as he and Robin swung toward Gotham Park. "Mister Freeze won't be as eager to make friends with as the other villains were. Personally I don't even know how you managed the others, especially Joker, but Freeze is different. He has a personal grudge against me - well, more than other people do, anyway - and he's a supervillain, so be careful."

"Got it, Bats!" Robin replied cheerfully, running along a rooftop before grappling to the building adjacent to the one he was on.

Batman frowned. "Have you been hanging out with Flash?"

At that, Robin gave him an incredulous look, reminding his mentor that, oh yeah, Barry had babysat Dick while Bruce Wayne was at a meeting and Alfred was at his brother's. Batman just sighed and blamed it on the sleep deprivation. Not only was he staying out longer as Batman, but the Graysons' first death anniversary was approaching and Dick had been having nightmares.

Robin glanced over at the silence, his eyes widening comically when he saw Batman had descended into one of his moods. The man usually tried not to with Robin present so he could at least attempt to preserve the boys innocence, but some things couldn't be helped. Which was why Robin was seeing his mentor's 'mood' for the first time.

The silence stretched on until the dynamic duo reached Gotham Park, the moon casting a silver glow over the leaves of the trees.

"I thought you said Freeze would be here?" Robin questioned, gazing around the quiet park.

"That's probably because I am." The voice came from behind them, and the two superheroes whirled around at the same time, dodging the first spray of ice that was shot at them from the villain's hands. "I see you finally brought Baby Bird out to meet me." Mister Freeze taunted, sweeping ice toward said bird.

Batman leapt at his protege, knocking him out of the way. At the same time Freeze brought another round of ice toward the Bat, managing to catch him off guard. Freeze grinned. It wasn't every day you got the Batman, so he was going to savor it while he could.

"Batman!" Robin cried when he saw his mentor was frozen in a block of ice.

"Just you and me now, Birdy." Mister Freeze said, advancing on the boy.

He suddenly shot ice from his blaster, and Robin jumped out of the way in a back handspring. Freeze retaliated with another blast of ice, and Robin sent exploding birdarangs toward the villain in reply. The two continued in this way until Robin found himself backed up against a tall building.

Mister Freeze grinned and shot what he thought would be the last blast of ice toward the bird. Instead, Robin shot his grappling hook up to the top of the building and, without hesitating, quickly followed it.

But there was a problem. There was only a slight edge on the roof, by no means enough to support the hook and Robin. The edge broke away when Robin was close to the top of the building, fifty feet in the air.

Batman watched in horror and willed the ice surrounding him to melt faster, but he knew even if he were free right then he couldn't save his son from where he stood.

Mister Freeze wasn't quite sure  _what_ , exactly, prompted him to move. It may have been Robin's scream of terror as he fell, or maybe just the sight of him falling, but he reacted faster than he thought possible. Ice shot from his hands as he created an ice slide in mid-air that the young vigilante fell onto. Robin slid down the slide and into Freeze's waiting arms.

He set the bird carefully on the ground, stepping back as Batman, finally unfrozen, ran up to begin comforting the boy, who had, to Mister Freeze's utter shock, broken into tears. Robin was sobbing, saying things like, "I saw them!", "I thought I would be joining them.", and the most heart wrenching, "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me."

Batman replied in kind, "I'm not leaving, Robin. I'm not going anywhere. You're okay. I'm here."

"Freeze?" Robin sniffled after things had quieted down.

His mentor glanced up at said man before replying with, "He's here."

"Thank you." Robin said, looking up at the surprised criminal with no doubt teary eyes.

"Anybody woulda done it." He replied with a shrug.

"Not everybody." Batman corrected him as he stood with Robin cuddled in his arms. "So thank you."

Mister Freeze spent the next week out of trouble before robbing - or attempting to rob - a jewelry store. Batman and Robin responded instantly, and, to Freeze's relief, the younger was back to his laughing self. He didn't want to think about what would have happened if he didn't catch him.


	5. The Puuuuurfect Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Dick (I'm going with Dick as I believe that Selina does know Batman and Robin's secret identities, and likewise) is, at the moment, sixteen.

"There." Selina Kyle stated with a smile, her cats purring in agreement. "You look wonderful."

Dick looked at himself in the mirror doubtfully. He looked normal. The same he did everyday. "How? Nothing's changed." He was almost right. He was in a pair of black jeans with a red v-neck t-shirt, his black jacket on over it but open. He was also wearing his regular black converse, his hair combed neatly but gelled into a point at the end, a mix of his Robin and Dick personas. Selina had also ditched his sunglasses at the beginning, actually dropping them on the ground and then stomping on them with her heel.

"You do  _not_  look the same." Selina scolded, scandalized. "Or do you think I would spend an hour - of  _my_  time, might I add - just to make you look like you always do?!"

Dick sighed. "Sorry, 'Lina." He said, falling onto her couch with a huff.

Selina blinked at him, slightly surprised at how he was acting. "Dick..." She said slowly. "Who are you taking on a date?"

"Oh, um, well, it's more like I'm being taken on a date." The sixteen year old replied.

"Really?" The black-haired woman asked, eyes gleaming. She leaned forward in her chair, smiling mischievously. "Do tell."

"His name is Wally West." Dick mumbled. "He's eighteen, a redhead with green eyes, ad he lives in Central City."

"A redhead, huh? And a superhero."

Dick's eyes widened, and he turned the sapphire orbs to his surrogate mother in surprise. "How do you..."

"You and your dad aren't the only ones who can hack, ya know. I know Wally West is Kid Flash."

Dick blushed, but jolted as the doorbell rang. He had told his new boyfriend to pick him up here rather than at Wayne Manor, where it would be questioned why a random teenager was knocking on Bruce Wayne's door. Dick glanced nervously at Selina, who gave a reassuring smile and stood, gently pulling Dick up and pushing him toward the door.

"Go get your man." She whispered, winking.

Dick grinned back, suddenly filled with his usual self-confidence. "Thanks." He stepped back and gave her a quick hug before racing for the door, footsteps soft but sure-footed on the carpet.

Selina Kyle listened carefully and heard a low whistle of appreciation. Grinning, she stood to put her Catwoman costume on. This cat looked after its kittens, regardless of which species said cat and kitten actually were.

And, if Batman and Robin wondered why Catwoman never pulled a job when Dick was on a date, she wasn't saying anything. Not one word.


	6. Too Far to Go Backward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 17.

Two-Face closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, ignoring the twinge in his face as the burns protested. Despite being years old, the pain would never truly go away. Just like the pain of what he was about to do would stay with him forever. He took another deep breath and let it out, opening his eyes. The man whispered a quiet apology to Batman and Robin before swinging his fist at Robin, who was tied up on the ground and staring up at him with trusting eyes.

But no longer would those eyes blink at him like they had two seconds ago. Never again would Two-Face be one of the few criminals who was actually trusted to watch over the bird. Of course, that had ended when Robin turned twelve, but just the knowledge that he was betraying Batman and Robin's trust pierced his heart like a dagger.

Batman was staring at him a little fearfully now, as if he still believed Two-Face would protect Robin with his life. As if he believed the criminal had pulled the punch. But he hadn't. His fist had slammed into the teenager with all of the force he could possibly muster. Because he had to. Because if he didn't, both Batman and Robin would pay with their lives.

As he swung his other fist, this time aiming for Robin's face, Two-Face cursed Ra's al Ghul. He cursed him for the pained look on his baby bird's face, for the enraged look in Batman's eyes when the caped crusader realized Two-Face was going against him,and he cursed him for making him do this. He was backed into a corner, he knew that. He could either beat Robin to within an inch of his life or let both vigilantes perish at his own hand. It was his penance, as Ra's put it, for defying him years ago. And he was selfish. He couldn't let Batman and Robin die painless deaths but hurt them emotionally and physically before letting them go to continue living. It was the cruelest form of punishment.

"Harvey!" Robin screamed, "Please, Harvey, no! Stop! Please, Har... Harvey, please..." He was sobbing now, his face already a mass of bruises and Har- no, Two-Face - didn't doubt that, under his costume, his chest and stomach bore the same picture.

"Two-Face!" Batman yelled, taking over for Robin when the bird fell silent. "Two-Face, I swear I'm going to kill you! When I get out, I'm gonna kill you!"

"No you won't." He forced his voice to be cold, indifferent. "I know your rule, Bats, and so do you. You won't kill me."

And he kept on with the beating. He changed his position, now aiming at Robin's back. By the time he was done, he knew- Robin would be a bloody mess. There was no doubt about that.

Finally, Two-Face deemed the job done. Ra's couldn't blame anything on him now. So he left silently. Robin was unconscious, and Batman's head was bowed low to the ground from where he was tied to the wall.

He didn't speak again until he was out of the building, knowing the Justice League was most likely on their way.

"I'm sorry."

That was all he said, only two words, but he figured it was fitting. Two words, Two-Face. And he was sorry. The most sorry he had ever been before. Nothing could beat the grief he was feeling at that moment, and he was astounded that Batman hadn't guessed his own feelings.

As more years passed, tears were shed and held in. He cried when his bird left for Bludhaven, though he knew it to be his own fault. He held in the tears when Catwoman, Joker, Harley, Ivy, and other criminals each paid him a visit, telling him what, exactly, they thought of his stunt. But he cried happy tears when Robin returned as Batman, as he suspected the Bat to be alive. And he cried happy tears as he died, old and alone at the age of 87, knowing that Robin -for that was who the bird would always be to him- was still alive, keeping Gotham and the world safe under his wings.


	7. Batman Can't Do Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 9.

Pamela Isley jolted out of bed in her temporary apartment at precisely 2:42 in the morning. One quick glance outside confirmed that it was still dark out and it only took three point seven seconds for her sleep addled mind to discover what had woken her. For some bizarre reason that the woman wasn't completely sure about yet, the phone that was hooked on the wall (it was an  _old_  apartment) was ringing. The reason it was bizarre was that not even Pamela knew the phone number that would be required for someone to reach her via the phone. She was also certain that Harley Quinn, the only person she could think of who would call her at 2:42 in the morning, was locked up in Arkham Asylum, the Joker having escaped without his girlfriend.

All the same, it didn't take her long to swing green legs over the edge of her brown covers, feet slipping quietly into the slippers just barely tucked under the bed as she hurried to answer the phone, realizing that whoever was calling must have some kind of emergency for them to be doing so at 2:42 - now 2:43 as the electronic clock's red '2' slipped into '3'.

"'lo?" She mumbled, pinching her leg as she urged herself to wake up more.

"Poison Ivy?" The deep voice echoed through her ear, and said criminal - for Pamela was a criminal - almost dropped the phone in her hurry to answer, completely surprised at who was on the other end.

"B-Batman?" She gasped back, frantically pulling on her green robe as if she expected him to come sailing through her window at any moment. "What is it?"

"It's Robin." Pamela shifted into her Poison Ivy mind, at the same time her motherly instincts rising to high alert at the sound of what must have been a cry of pain from Robin on the other side coupled with - dare she say it? - the worry in Batman's voice. "He's been hurt, and I think you're the best one to deal with it, given your expertise." Poison Ivy was in the midst of asking, "What expertise?" when the man continued, saying, "We'll be there in fifteen minutes, we're on the other side of Gotham." And, with that, he hung up.

The green-skinned woman pulled the phone down, looking at it in disbelief. How did the Batman even know where she lived, let alone her phone number? Still, she had to admit that she didn't want to be out of the loop - not to mention with zero medical knowledge whatsoever - by herself, so she quickly dialed a number she by heart.

It wasn't long before another male's voice drifted into her ear, and Poison Ivy found herself wondering how she went two full weeks without even touching the phone before using it twice in one night.

"Who is this?" The voice was grumpy, no doubt at being woken at 2:47 in the morning (according to Ivy's clock), and filled with sleep at the same time.

"It's Ivy. I need you to come over." She paused, listening to his response, before speaking the magic words. "It's Robin." It was at that moment that she hung up, confident in her choice and said choice's worrying affection to the young bird.

The next fourteen minutes were spent getting dressed and waiting for Batman and Robin - she knew they would arrive first - as she paced, a first aid kit already set out on her little table. It took exactly fifteen minutes from the time the call ended for Batman to get there, though Poison Ivy didn't allow herself to wonder over the fact. Her attention was solely on the hero held in his mentor's arms, tears streaking down his face as he held his hand.

It was at that moment that her backup arrived, apparently with more backup (who also had a backup, who, apparently, had a backup as well). It honestly wasn't that surprising that she didn't recognize two of the backups, no doubt minor crooks that Robin had befriended.

Joker spoke first, racing in through the doorway of the apartment with the other three backups behind him. "Where is he? Where's my little bird?"

Robin didn't grant any of them with a single sound, instead continuing to cry even as he watched all of them warily, as if afraid of what they would do.

"Shut up, Joker!" One of the unknown crooks said, "You're not the only one who cares about Robbie."

"You neither, Firefly, so shut it!" The other, a skinny man in what looked like striped underwear, said, blocking 'Firefly' in his path to Robin.

"Everyone quiet!" Batman raised his voice over the din that followed, himself, Robin, and Ivy the only ones who stayed quiet. "Ivy, why are they here?"

"I only called Joker." She replied, shrugging even as she shot a glare at said clown.

"Joker called me." Penguin said next. "I called Firefly, and I guess he picked up Ragamuffin on the way here."

"It's Rag _doll_!" Said person hissed.

At that moment Robin let out a small cry as Batman accidentally touched his hand while setting him down on Poison Ivy's couch. All five criminals immediately stopped arguing and crowded around the bird, Ivy grabbing the first aid and asking the classic question of, "What hurts the most?"

The black, red, and yellow clad hero frowned as he pointed with his left hand toward his right, where Ivy immediately spotted the problem.

* * *

"My, Master Bruce." Alfred remarked as he saw the Batman exit the Batmobile, Robin collapsed in his arms. "It seems to have been a busy night."

He carefully peeled back the bandage swaddling the boy's hand to examine his injury, giving a tut as he saw the extent of the damage. "Who did this?"

"We were at the docks fighting some drug smugglers when it happened." Bruce replied, having taken off his cowl after resting Robin on their operating table. "Poison Ivy, Joker, Penguin, Firefly, and Ragdoll did the bandaging."

Alfred hmmed, rewrapping the injury before finally dignifying Bruce with an actual response.

"So tell me, Master Bruce. Why did it take five criminals and the Batman to deal with a simple splinter?"


	8. One, Two, Three, Selena, Harley, Ivy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 10, and it's his first Mother's Day with the villains. ;)

Robin took a deep breath, slowly releasing it as he gazed at everything he had prepared. Three cards were addressed to a Ms. Selena Kyle, Ms. Harley Quinn, and Ms. Poison Ivy, each in the neat handwriting that only Alfred could teach Robin to use. Next to them were three pictures of them, each labeled 'Best Mom'. One more deep breath taken, Robin slowly put each item into his utility belt. It was time for the mailbird to make a few visits.

* * *

Selena yawned as she opened her apartment door, rubbing one hand over her face sleepily, she looked down and then blinked in surprised, taking her hand off of her face. On her doormat was a letter labled with her name plus a folded piece of paper. She silently picked them up and then walked back inside.

Unfolding the paper, she smiled at the words and the picture. She had a feeling it had been from him. Once opening the letter, however, her smile grew even wider. It read:

_Hey, Selena!_

_Yeah, it's me, Dick. Bet you already knew, oh well. Anyway, to celebrate Mother's Day I thought we could visit Gotham Zoo. It's a nice day out and I know the lions have a special exhibit today. They have a new cub finally being placed in the den!_

_Love, Dick_

* * *

Harley wasn't exactly sure why she was being let out of Arkham, but she wasn't complaining. Then she got the letter, and she  _really_  wasn't complaining. This was, no doubt, going to be one of the best days of her life. Spending all day at Gotham Zoo with Robin (both of them in civies, of course) on Mother's Day was like a dream come true.

She didn't even think of what her best friends were doing that day...

* * *

Ivy was unbelievably happy. She had been having a downer of a day, but then she got the letter. The letter that told her she would be spending the day with Robin at Gotham Zoo. Best. Day. Ever.

* * *

Selena gazed around the zoo entrance, searching for the familiar black hair and blue eyes. To her surprise (but not really, it was pretty sunny out), Dick was wearing sunglasses.

"Hey, bud!" She exclaimed, pulling the pre-teen into one-armed embrace. "You ready for the best day ever?"

"Yup!" He replied, a grin splitting his face in half. "I was thinking we go over to the lions first, see how they're doing, and the work our way around the park."

Selena thought about it for a couple of seconds before agreeing, figuring that, even when the zoo had just barely opened, it would better to see the lions first if what Dick had said in his letter was true. An agreeing nod was all Dick needed to start leading her toward the lions.

* * *

Harley glanced around, spotting the lions (all of whom seemed to have a strange attraction to a black-haired woman wearing a ball cap), a girl throwing a tantrum, someone who looked to be Robin in civies, the-  _H_ _old up!_ , she said mentally. A large smile graced her face as she hurried toward him, arms outstretched for a hug.

Sunglasses blocked his eyes from view, but she was certain that they were sparkling. He laughed as she gripped him in a hug.

"You and Mr. J pulled this together, didn't you?"

A short shrug (though sheepish looking) was all that the blonde needed to laugh and shake her head.

"So where do you want to go first?" Harley questioned.

* * *

Ivy narrowly avoided a mother and her young boy before turning around and running into exactly she had been looking for.

"Oops, so sorry- Robin! There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere. I thought you said to meet by the lions at nine o'clock."

"Yeah, sorry about that." The boy replied. "I ended up spending more time looking for them rather than actually getting here." He shrugged. "I'm not used to using maps."

"Alright, it's fine. So it's the lions first, hmm?"

* * *

Selena glanced worriedly at her watch. She hadn't expected Dick to be gone for so long. She finally turned away from the lions who she had been giving all of her attention to and began to walk. Where, she wasn't sure, but he had to be around here somewhere, right? Suddenly, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Selena?"

At the sound, the woman turned around then stared in surprise. "Harley? What are you doing here?"

The blonde frowned. "I'm here with Robin for Mother's Day. The question is why are  _you_ here?"

Selena started. "That's not possible. I'm here with Robin. And if he's with you, then where is he?"

Harley drew her eyebrows together as she thought about what one of her best friends had just said. "He's in the bathroom. And the same question goes for you."

"Bathroom." Selena replied.

The two women blinked at each other, just realizing something. "He took both of us to the zoo for Mother's Day, and told both of us he was going to bathroom, but he's not with either of us." Harley said.

When they both spoke, it was in unison. "Ivy."

* * *

Robin gave a squeak when one of his 'moms' yanked him into yet another hug.

"Okay." He managed to gasp out. "A little less on the-"

"Deceiving the people who consider you their son?" Another voice finished, and Robin gulped, automatically recognizing it.

"I think he was actually going to go with hugs, but sure, that works too." Someone else quipped, and Robin winced, closing his eyes before opening them to the image of two significantly taller women standing in front of him and Ivy, arms crossed.

"Harley? Selena?" Ivy asked, surprised. "What are you doing here? And what do you mean?"

"We mean-" Selena started. "- that Rob's been pretending to spend the day with just us, but he's really been juggling all three of us. And, buddy, next time you try that, start with two people. It works a lot better than three and it'll make it easier once you're dating."

"'Lena!" Harley gasped, slapping the other woman on her shoulder. "We are not teaching Robin to be a playboy. He's not Bruce Wayne, after all."

"Woah, woah, woah, slow down." Ivy said, frowning. "You mean Robin told all three of us that he wanted to spend the day at the zoo and that we're all the best mom?"

Robin gazed miserably at the floor before nodding, expecting to be in trouble. "You're all like my mom, so I thought if I did something like this I could manage, but I can't." He sniffed, wiping at his nose with his sleeve before three 'ew's made themselves known and Selena handed him a tissue from her bag.

Ivy sighed. "It's okay, Rob, but next time just tell the truth and ask all of us at once, okay? It is alright to have three moms."

"A little weird, but fine." Harley added, winking at the black-haired boy.

"Now." Selena started, knowing that Robin had learned his lesson and was already miserable enough without punishment. "How about we keep going, hmm? I'm pretty sure that the brochure said there's a Baskin Robbins around the bear's pen, so how about we head over there for some ice cream?"

Robin's face lit up. "Sure! And happy Mother's Day." He leaned in for a group hug, all four smiling. "You're all like my mom, and I'm sorry for tricking you."

"It's fine, Robbie, and we are truly grateful for today." Ivy said. "Now how about that ice cream?"


	9. Batty-Back Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 11.

"Sir, I do hope you kno-" Alfred began, following Batman into the cave as the masked vigilante headed for the Batmobile.

"Not now, Alfred." Batman interrupted, "I have important business to see to. Man-Bat recently escaped Arkham Asylum, and the police no doubt need my help in getting him back in."

Within seconds, Batman had revved up the Batmobile and was screeching out to the streets of Gotham City, ready for another night of crimefighting.

Alfred looked after him with an amused frown on his face. "No, Master Bruce, I don't suppose you do know about Master Richard." He shook his head. "I don't believe he will be very pleased when he finds out."

* * *

Robin cheered as he clung tighter to the fur around Man-Bat's neck. "Wow, Dr. Langstrom, do you know how to have fun! Seriously, Bats- er, the other Bats- never lets me have this much fun! This is amazing!"

The man turned giant bat gave a deep chuckle that sounded strange coming from him, but caused his entire body (and, by extension, Robin) to vibrate. Langstrom banked sharply, twisting around the top of Wayne Tower and coming to rest on a ledge.

"Dude, no, don't stop! We were just getting to the fun part! C'mon, one more time! Possibly with a little more speed?"

Another chuckle was all that Robin got before Man-Bat had thrown himself and Robin off of the ledge, plunging toward the ground as the younger male whooped in surprise and delight. A quick twitch of his wings sent the shape-shifter and his charge back into higher air, soaring toward the harbor before Langstrom ducked into a series of turns, rolls, and spirals.

* * *

"Best. Ride. Ever!"

The high-pitched shriek had Batman jerking the batmobile into a tight skid as he stepped hard on the brake. Jumping out of the vehicle, he rushed to the edge of the street so he could get a better view, gaping at the sight that he found. There, about thirty feet above him, was Man-Bat. A flicker of yellow and red let him know just who was sitting on Man-Bat.

Batman gritted his teeth and shot his grappling gun toward the edge of the roof above him. In seconds, he was swinging behind Man-Bat and his partner as they flew throughout the city. A furious expression was plastered across the vigilante's face, but if anyone had looked closer they would have seen something else- a flicker of worry. It looked as if Robin was having fun, but he could have just as much have been in trouble.

"ROBIN!" Batman barked, having to speed up just a little so he was flying next to the villain and pre-teen.

"Batman?!" Robin cried, twisting to see said man about twenty feet away. Batman's face said it all, and Robin's own fell at the other's expression.

"Dr. Langstrom, I'm sorry if you were having fun, but Robin was not supposed to be out tonight, let alone wi- LANGSTROM!" Batman yelled as Man-Bat banked away from him, Robin letting out another shriek of delight. "Robin, I want you to come down  _now_!"

"But, Ba-"

"No buts, Robin! Now!"

"See ya next time, Doc." Robin muttered as got out his grappling gun. "Thanks for the ride." In one movement he was gone, swinging next to Batman as the two headed for the batmobile.

* * *

And if Man-Bat didn't show for another week, well, Batman refused to believe it was because of Robin. But Robin thought differently, and he didn't hesitate in showing it. Bruce knew the stuffed animal bat wasn't one of Robin's cute gifts but a reminder. And he never forgot.

 


	10. Just One More Inch!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 15.

Robin slowly slid open one of Arkham Asylum's windows, slipping inside immediately and then closing it, leaving only a crack. He held onto the sill as tightly as he could before dropping soundlessly to the floor, landing in a crouch. He took a moment to silently appreciate the way he looked - because there was definitely some ninja-esque look to it, never mind he did stuff like a ninja every single day - before moving on. The fifteen-year-old stuck to the shadows, making sure to keep his cape closed, as one flash of canary yellow and any of the guards walking around would pick it up for sure. And he was never sure which ones were on the right side of the law, the wrong side of the law, or the Batman and Robin fanboys/girls. If it was a fan, he was safe. If the guard was on the right side of the law, he would be arrested (or end up avoiding arrest, being who he was), and if it was a crooked guard he'd be chased so the guard could get a reward from any of the villains who had managed to avoid Robin's charm.

Which was why, of course, Robin was attempting to remain unseen. Which, with him being Robin, worked out fairly well. Within minutes he was standing outside the first of the cells he was planning on visiting. He carefully slipped in the key he had snitched from the Batcave (if you needed a key to a door, Batman usually had it) and opened the door a crack, immediately following it inside before silently closing it. He turned and found himself looking at his first target.

Harley Quinn.

The woman was looking at him in surprise from her bed by the wall, standing up at his entrance.

"Robin? What are you doing here, kid?" She questioned.

He pouted in response, moving forward without talking while pulling out a tape measurer. Within seconds he was looking at Harley's height, which according to the tape measurer was five foot four.

"Darn it." He muttered, already going back to the door, measurer tucked back into his belt. "I thought for sure..."

He trailed off, leaving Harley even more confused than before as he left, making sure to lock the door behind him while shooting an apologetic smile at his surrogate mother. With quick steps he was off to his next destination.

It only took minutes, but for him it felt like forever. Robin now had the measurements of Catwoman (who he had gotten earlier that day as she wasn't in Arkham), Harley, Poison Ivy, the Joker, Clayface, Ragdoll, and Hugo Strange. Each of them, to his disappointment, had been five foot four or taller. He only had one more target, the Penguin. Robin wasted no time in getting to his fellow bird's cell, slipping in a bit more excitedly than he had with the previous six. The bird fanatic looked up, surprised just as the others had been. Still, he didn't hesitate in smiling and standing, moving forward.

"Robin, my boy! What a pleasant surprise! Or should I say, pheasant surprise!" He grinned at his own joke, while at the same time pulling Robin into a hug.

Still, Robin didn't want to waste anymore time and quickly pulled away as he yanked out the tape measurer for what would most likely be the last time. This time, however, he did talk, hoping it would change his luck.

"Sorry, Penguin, but I can't stay long. I just have to take this- YES!"

Penguin jolted backwards in surprise, not expecting the loud voice. From outside the cell came sounds of clamoring feet, no doubt the guards on their way to see what was causing the disruption. Robin shot Penguin a quick smile before leaving, once more locking the door. When the guards arrived they only found the Penguin standing in the middle of the cell, his gaze still where Robin had last stood. He glared at the guards, speaking sharply while at the same time moving back to his bed. "What are you all here for?! Shoo, shoo! Bloody cats, you all are."

Outside the cell and around the corner, Robin grinned at the words before making his way back to where he left the window cracked open, slipping back to where he had left the R-cycle. He clutched the paper with the villains names and their measurements in one hand as he sped back to Gotham City and the alley where he would find his last and final destination for the night.

* * *

Wally looked up in surprise when the computer sounded out, announcing, "Robin B-01." He hadn't expected Robin to make it back so quickly.

The bird marched over to his best friend, a paper clutched in his hand and Wally could practically  _see_  the determination in his eyes, despite them being covered.

"Here." Robin said, holding out the paper. "I measured them myself. I'm taller than some of Gotham's villains."

Wally quickly skimmed the paper, which was separated into two different parts, one with the names of the crooks and one with their heights. He quickly read them aloud, "Catwoman, five six; Harley Quinn, five four; Poison Ivy, five five and a half; the Joker, five six and a quarter; Clayface, five six; Ragdoll, five four and three quarters; Hugo Strange, five five; the Penguin, five two." He gave Robin an incredulous look. "What the heck, Rob, this isn't some, this is one! You're five three, Robin, not five six or whatever you think you are."

The younger crimefighter huffed, pouting as he snatched the paper back. "So? You bet me that I was shorter than all of Gotham's villains. Well, the Penguin is shorter than me. So you lost the bet."

"Yeah..." Wally said, rubbing the back of his neck ruefully. "I may or may not have forgotten about the Penguin..."


	11. Enlightening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 10.

"Gordon." The gruff voice startled said commissioner and he jolted up from the office chair where he had been staring at a computer screen.

"Batman?" He asked, somewhat surprised. It was only just beginning to get dark out, and usually he was the one to go to Batman.

"Yes." The vigilante replied. "I need you to take care of Robin for me. Just for the night."

Gordon blinked in surprise. "Sure, I can do that. But why-" He turned around from where he had been shutting down the computer to see that Batman was gone. In his place stood a small boy in dark jeans, a green jacket, sneakers, and shades.

"Hey." The boy said with a grin, clutching a backpack in his arms. "Bats said to start with homework."

* * *

One hour had passed, and the commissioner had learned three things. One, he really shouldn't think about becoming a teacher; two, Robin was a bit too adorable for the police force; and three, the villains really did like Robin.

"I said hand him over!" The Joker screamed, readying another bomb of laughing gas. Three officers were already on the ground laughing, unable to stop.

One of the other officers quickly popped up from behind cover to take a potshot at the clown, who was surrounded by multiple other villains. "No way, he's ours!" The man yelled.

"No, he's our baby bird!" The Penguin yelled back, looking somewhat less threatening in an 'I love Robin' T-Shirt.

"Well, the Batman gave us Robin to babysit, not you!" One of the new officers shouted; a bit childishly, Gordon thought with a wince.

He turned back to where Robin had been standing and watching the argument, a strange expression on his face, only to groan. The young vigilante was gone.

* * *

"I am sorry, Master Richard." Alfred said as he drove away from the police station. "The situation popped up so suddenly, I really could not say no to my brother. And it is a school night."

Dick grinned back at him from the back seat of the car, sunglasses already gone to reveal bright blue eyes. "It's fine, Alfred."

Alfred stayed silent for a couple of minutes before speaking again. "So, Master Richard, how was it?"

"... enlightening."


	12. Call of the Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 10.

It wasn't really  _that_  much of a surprise, Bruce supposed, when Robin befriended Black Mask. With the way the other criminals had been taking to Robin, he had known, deep in his mind, that Black Mask would come around eventually. It was inevitable, really, when he knew the bird considered the villain to be the ultimate prize. The big turkey. The first place trophy. Because, while the other crooks had been hard to befriend, Black Mask had almost no emotion. He wouldn't be guilted or scared into it like Mister Freeze, he wouldn't be taken into a new bird family like with the Penguin, and he wouldn't consider Robin his best friend before he had even met him like Joker and Harley. No, Robin had known Black Mask would need something else.

Still, if he had known that something else involved Call of Duty in Black Mask's apartment, Bruce and Batman would both have had something to say about it.

Batman's lips curved into a frown as he watched the two, one big and one small, through the window. When Robin had almost begged to be allowed to patrol on his own, Batman - and Bruce's father sense - had suspected that something was up. He had not, however, thought that something was another villain. As such, he gave a quiet sigh before settling into a relatively comfortable crouch on Black Mask's balcony, ready to keep an eye on both his city and his bird.

* * *

"So…" Black Mask started, warily watching the bat that he had (mostly unwillingly, but Robin had a way of making him do things he didn't want to) let into his apartment. Robin was, at the moment, rummaging through his mini fridge. His cape had been detached and was crumpled in a heap on the couch, allowing the villain to, for the first time, properly examine the bird's uniform from the back. To his surprise, the utility belt  _did_  have compartments going all the way around, which one would think would make it difficult to remove any wanted items, though, quite obviously, the bats didn't have that problem. The red from the front also went around to the back, although there were no additional buckles like from the front.

He was startled from his thoughts as Robin turned around, an open coca cola in one hand that Black Mask suspected the Batman would not be thanking him for and a closed sprite in the other. Then he frowned. How had the younger known he liked sprite more than any other beverage?

Robin grinned at him. "You have less sprites in the fridge than any other soda. I figured you liked it more." And he could read minds, go figure, Black Mask thought, mentally rolling his eyes. The uniform clad vigilante settled onto the couch, gesturing to the seat next to him. "Go on, I won't bite. Really, you seem more nervous in your home territory than anywhere else. What's up?"

Silently taking the sprite offered up to him, the villain sat on the edge of the couch and mulled over his reply. "That is the problem." He said finally. "You're in my home territory. I didn't even know you knew where I lived."

"Oh. Right." Frowning, the boy considered that and another point. "And I don't suppose it helps that Batman doesn't know I'm here."

A look was quickly sent at Robin, Black Mask not afraid to make his annoyance known. " _I_  didn't know you would be here." He said gruffly.

Robin nodded, "Yeah, sorry about that. I saw an opportunity and took it." He paused before removing a bunch of equipment (from where, Black Mask didn't know) and setting them on the table in front of them. "But do you feel like a game of Call of Duty? Because I feel like you'd be a Call of Duty person."

"Call of…" The masked villain began, startled. "Sure… I guess. If you want to."

A grin was directed at Black Mask as Robin began to set up all of the necessities. "You just want me to leave sooner, right? It's okay, that's what I get from a lot of people sometimes. They can't handle my… I think Batman said it was something like 'inability to shut up' or something like that." He shrugged. "I don't really care, cause then he said that they don't know what they're missing. Personally, I think Bats just likes me to fill in the silence. Ya know, balance out his non-talkativeness?" He leaned back, satisfied as the distinctive 'Call of Duty: MW3' filled the screen. "So who do you want to be?" Robin asked, settling back into his position on the couch even as he scrolled through the character list. He paused as 'John Price' was illuminated. After a moments hesitation, he selected the sergeant and gestured for Black Mask to choose a character.

The villain paused before making a random selection: Kamarov, a Russian sergeant. Robin's laughter startled him as the bird almost doubled over, his arms clutching his stomach. "That's… that's who Batman chose yesterday! He was saying something about being more aware of others or something. And you know, I just realized that for not being very talkative, Batman says a lot of stuff."

But all Black Mask could think of was, "Batman plays Call of Duty?"

"Oh, yeah, if I annoy him enough. And hey, you're about to play Call of Duty." The bird's grin lit up his face even as the elder sat there, stunned, in the realization that he was right.

However, despite all of Robin's good intentions and Black Mask's attempts to get back on track, they never did actually play. Instead, the evening ended with Robin managing to fall asleep even after the coca cola he had drunk, sprawled out on the couch with his feet propped up on the armrest and his head inches from Black Mask's leg. Said villain decided to just leave his window open and go to bed, figuring that even if Robin was convinced the Batman didn't know where he was, he probably did. After all, he was the Bat, and Robin his Bird. Black Mask was just the one to realize how different his life would be now that Robin was in it.


	13. Watch Your Speed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotham's villains do their best to help Batman raise Robin - Dick - from age nine to eighteen. Problems will expand over regular problems parents face to the most ridiculous. Series of one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959992/1/Criminal-Parenting.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any other DC characters.
> 
> Robin is 16.

Catwoman took a quick glance around, unwilling to stay in the same place for so long. Huddling into the shadow cast by the chimney, she gently touched the com unit in her ear, connecting her to the other five villains hidden in other various places around one Wally West's house in Central City.

"This is Cat checking in, I'm on the roof. What's your status?" She questioned, beginning to attach her whip to a rather convenient hook next to the chimney, most likely left from one of the boys' 'adventures'.

"This is She-Devil, I'm approaching the door." Harley's voice was soft, no doubt so that no one nearby would overhear her. She was the only one out of the six at the Wests' house who was taking a direct route into the house.

"Strangler here, I'm outside the east window on the first floor." There was a pause before Ivy's voice was heard again. "Get out of here, Bird! This is my entry point!"

"But I saw it first!" The Penguin whined back.

"Go to the west window!" Ivy replied.

"Negative, I'm already here. Bird, go to the south window." Like Ivy, Two-Face paused before adding on more words. "This is Nickel, by the way."

Glancing around the quiet neighborhood, Catwoman watched 'She-Devil' disappear under the porch's roof. Then she frowned. They were missing someone.

"Smiley, where are you?"

At the same moment, an "Umph!" was heard over the comms, thankfully quiet enough that she doubted anyone not listening in on the conversation would overhear it. "Erm, right below you, Cat. I'm entering through the basement window. I'm currently - eek! - in the basement."

Harley's voice was heard just then, "Smiley, what's - oh, yes, hi, Mr. West! My name is ... uh, Hannah, yeah, I'm Hannah. Sorry for disturbing you, but I'm here for the school project Wally and I are working on."

Even listening carefully, Silena couldn't pick up Mr. West's reply, though with their luck it'd be something about how Wally wasn't allowed to have female subjects inside the house except for between five and six PM.

Still, to her relief, that wasn't she heard next. "Thank you so much, Mr. West! ... ... Yes, I understand, I promise we'll be quick! I truly am sorry for being here so late. ... ... Yes, we'll do our best, thank you! Oh, but wait, where is Wally's bedroom? ... ... Up the stairs and the first door on the left, yes I can do that, thank you again!"

Silena grinned as she imagined Harley making her way inside and up the stairs, to where Wally's bedroom would be exactly where Harley said: the first door on the left. Now, back to Joker. "Smiley, what happened down there? What was the 'eek' for?"

"Nothing to worry about, Cat! Nothing at all!" Joker replied, though sounding faintly out of breath.

"Puddin', answer the cat." Harley demanded in response, and Catwoman smiled at her demand, despite her being called 'the cat'. She'd let her fellow female crook go. Just this once.

"Rats, that's it. Like I said, nothing."

Catwoman rolled her eyes. Of course. The Joker could handle Harley and her hyenas, but he was scared by a couple of rats. Figured.

"Alright, guys, She-Devil is in, let's move out!" Catwoman said.

"I thought we were moving in?" Joker questioned not two seconds later.

"It's a phrase! Just get up to West's room! ... Wally's, not his parents!" That would be just what they needed, Joker getting lost in the house and finding Mr. and Mrs. West's room instead of Wally's.

Faint creaks echoed over the com line as Ivy, Penguin, and Two-Face all opened their windows. Simultaneously, Catwoman let her whip unroll down the chimney. She quickly slid down to the bottom of the whip before dropping the rest of the way, about ten feet. Landing with a soft thump, she coughed and waved away the smoke that had curled up.

Looking around, she spotted Poison Ivy and Two-Face approaching from opposite directions, Penguin and the Joker coming from the rear of the house. Together, the five made their way up the stairs, from which they could faintly overhear a conversation between 'Hannah' and Wally.

"Hey, I'm here for the school project."

"What school project? Did my dad let you in? And again: What school project?"

"The one from... er, from History. And yeah, he did."

"There is no project from History. Why are you here? Who are you?"

Hearing the distinct sound of panic beginning to worm its way into Wally's voice, Catwoman sprinted up the rest of the stairs and burst into the bedroom. She covered the space between herself and Wally in two steps, as he had worked himself between the door and Harley. He had most likely been planning on going for the door and then down the stairs from there. He whirled around when he heard her enter, and upon seeing him open his mouth to scream for help, she body tackled him to the floor, shock causing him to stay silent. "Don't talk!" She hissed at him, pinning him to the carpet. "We'll be gone in fifteen minutes, and then you may or may not see us again."

Completely not disappointing her, Wally opened his mouth again. "Who are you?!"

Glancing around at her companions, they all made the silent decision that would determine how the rest of the meeting would go. Catwoman carefully got up off of the teen and let him back away.

"Sit on the bed, and we'll explain." She replied.

Once he had done as she asked, she made the introductions. "I'm Cat, that's Smiley, Nickel, Strangler, Bird, and She-Devil. And you are Robin's boyfriend, so you will listen very carefully." Having seen his eyes widen with each name, especially Strangler and She-Devil, the elected leader of the mission wasn't surprised to see him nod.

"You will not harm Robin in any such way, or you will answer to not only the Bat, but to all of us. I will take first punch, as I am one of Robin's mothers. You will be whipped and humiliated in front of all of your ... allies." Silena said before turning and walking away so that she could keep watch.

"I-" Harley said, walking up. "-am also one of Robin's mothers, and I will take second punch. My name is She-Devil, and if you hurt our bird, you'll find out why my name is appropriate."

Poison Ivy strode up next, looking positively gleeful at the opportunity to scare someone into submission. "My name is Strangler, but that's not all that I can do. I have control of multiple plants and poisons that I  _do_  know how to use."

"To put it simply, my name is Smiley." Joker smiled at the teenager, his wide smile that he knew creeped every one out, even Robin and other Gotham villains. He took out a knife and began to play with it, walking in a circle around the red-head. "I have a certain ... skill ... with knives. If you hurt Robin, I will not miss."

Penguin approached next. "I am Bird, and as a cousin of Robin, I will not allow harm to come to him. Any harm you do to him, I will do to you even more painfully physically."

Two-Face walked back and forth in front of Wally, who was looking fairly terrified already at the threats. "While my name, Nickel, may not seem that threatening, I can assure you that I am not. This coin-" Taking said coin out, he began flipping it in his hand. "-decides what I do. Heads says we let you go without any further harm, tails says we kill you now so that you can't ever hurt Robin."

Wally's green eyes widened at that, and he cried out, "I swear there's no need for that! I won't hurt him, ever! I swear I won't, just... just leave! I get it, you're his parents, that's enough! I understand, no hurting Robin!"

"Alright, Nickel, that's enough." Catwoman said, deciding that, despite the amusement that had come from giving Wally the 'overprotective parent speech', killing the poor boy would have been too far. "We need to go, anyway."

The six hurried to the window, which Catwoman opened. "Oh, and when you next see Robin, give him the whip in your chimney, will you?" She winked at the red-head. "He'll know who to give it to."

And, with that, they all jumped out the window to the ground below, where they walked away from the Wests' house and a terrified Wally West realizing just how dangerous Robin's 'parents' were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last written chapter for this fic, but I may end up adding more - no promises, though.


End file.
